40-year-old mom hides her birthday form her boyfriend of 8 months, refuses to tell him she doesn't want to celebrate: 'The kids are telling me I should'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Sep 8, 2025 10:00 PM EDT

Everyone has a different relationship with their birthday. Some people need you to clear the whole week for festivities. They need you to lock in and make it a huge deal because it's a huge deal to them. Usually, these types of people are good at expressing their desires to you upfront. They don't expect you to read their mind, so they tell you that their birthday is important. Another type of person is the one whose birthday is not a big deal to them, and they mean it. 

They're not the type of people who like to acknowledge the passage of time. They don't want a party thrown in their honor. They don't want presents, and they don't want cake. I don't relate to these people, but I respect them. Then there is the most annoying type of person. The type of person who says their birthday isn't a big deal but actually gets upset if nobody acknowledges it. They want you to read their minds and give them the exact birthday they want. These people are just straight-up bad communicators.

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  • A woman picks at a piece of birthday cake.
    via Unsplash+ (Karolina Grabowska)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • The subject of this story is one of those people. She didn't want to acknowledge her birthday, but she also refused to communicate about it. She instead wanted to sweep it under the rug and pretend like it wasn't happening. So she reached out to the internet to see if what she was doing was okay. 

  • Am I wrong for not telling my Partner it's my birthday in 3 weeks?

    Ok so I've been with my partner (39m) for about 8 months. It started out as just a hook up but now we see each other every weekend and occasionally during the week. We don't live together but we live 3 mins drive from each other. We get on very well and he's brilliant with my kids. He had his
    via u/Past_Sherbet_5554
  • birthday two months ago and the kids and I got him a little cake and some little presents. Nothing over the top. My 40th is coming up in three weeks but he doesn't know when my birthday is. He mentioned it once when we met but didn't remember. I hate my birthdays and I prefer no one knows or even mentions it. I
    via u/Past_Sherbet_5554
  • haven't told him and I don't want too but the kids are telling me I should. I don't want him to know think he has to do anything or buy anything if he knows when it is. If rather it just go past like any other day. AITAH for not telling him??
    via u/Past_Sherbet_5554

  • Commenters had some words of advice for this woman.

    BeautifulParamedic... •4h ago He's not a mind reader, you have to use your words like a big adult and tell him that while your birthday is soon, you don't like to make a fuss. Otherwise, he will find out and be upset (or annoyed or offended) that you can't communicate. If you tell him
    via u/BeautifulParamedic55
  • your preferences and then he makes a big fuss, then you can be annoyed. Unless there is some trauma (in which case, get therapy), just tell him and be done with it. YTA
    via u/BeautifulParamedic55
  • ApplicationPutrid587 4h ago - • Honestly this post gives 'I'm a birthday person who pretends I'm not and then is a pain in the a when no one does anything for my birthday!' Stop playing. Just tell him. It's a birthday. Everyone has them. - Ps legit q. How soon are peoples kids meeting new guys these days?
    via u/ApplicationPutrid587
  • suggie75 2h ago Seriously-8 months and getting along great with kids?!?
    via u/suggie75
  • . Zoey_Beaver • 4h ago YWBTA- this just creates an awkward situation for everyone involved once he finds out. You should be able to tell him and explain you dont like your birthday
    via u/Zoey_Beaver
  • RoyallyOakie ⚫4h ago YWBTA...just be honest and open: my birthday is coming up, but I don't like to celebrate.
    via u/RoyallyOakie
  • A woman blows out the candles on a small piece of birthday cake.
    via Unsplash+ (Karolina Grabowska)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • nonamejohnsonmore • 4h ago You need to explain to him how you feel about your birthday.
    via u/nonamejohnsonmore
  • Sheanar 4h ago • ywbta its important info not - just for the day, but as the relationship potentially progresses he will need to know. it is a good test. tell him the day and that you hate your birthday being an event, and thw best gift he can give
    via u/Sheanar
  • you is nothing. or at most fix dinner (or whatever you will accept). It is a good lithmus test. can he listen and respect your feelings here on a simple matter or will he do the thing anyways. find out now before you are even more emotionally invested.
    via u/Sheanar
  • reredd1tt1n ⚫ 28m ago I mean, it's also a test to see how OP communicates. A lot of people communicate indirectly. OP will need to figure out how to make it very clear that they actually do not want to acknowledge their birthday.
    via u/reredd1tt1n
  • • Zaibys 3h ago It's a test. Seen many situations where she says she wants nothing for her birthday, only to get angry when her wishes are respected. And there is no way to know this in advance.
    via u/Zaibys
  • i_fart_chemtrails • 2h ago Still a good test though! Cuz if you're right, a person like that isn't compatible with anyone and should be alone
    via u/i_fart_chemtrails
  • PhotoForward2499 4h ago I am like you, I have been trying to avoid my birthdays since I was a teenager. I don't like the attention and the weird feeling I get from people having to buy me presents, etc. I, like you, would probably just avoid
    via u/PhotoForward2499
  • telling him and on that day or the day after would have told him yeah it was my birthday, it's not a big deal, I don't like them. BUT, you did make him a little celebration for his birthday, and the other posters are probably correct. You should tell him in passing, say something like "Me and
    via u/PhotoForward2499
  • the kids are having pizza on Thursday and a cake, cause it's my birthday and then watching a movie." etc. When he responds to that statement tell him you don't feel like it's something he should make a big deal over and you would prefer not because you simply don't like it. Keeping it from him seems unfair, and you should just tell him.
    via u/PhotoForward2499
  • FoodForThgt • 4h ago Relationships are about getting to know each other and learning how to successfully navigate life together. In order to do that you have to be transparent about who you are. You should tell him, but also let him know that you do not wish to make a big deal out of it.
    via u/FoodForThgt
  • Accomplished_Cod... . 4h ago You should communicate. Not communicating is how unwanted surprise parties happen.
    via u/Accomplished_Cod
  • • SavingsRhubarb8746 · 3h ago If this relationship is going to continue, he's going to find out that you're hiding your birthday even if your children, who apparently want to celebrate it, don't tell him. Keeping it a secret is untenable in the long term - and makes too big a deal of it.
    via u/SavingsRhubarb8746
  • NTA, mainly because I'm with you, I don't celebrate my birthday, and at this point my friends and relations accept that and the most I get is a verbal "Happy Birthday" from one or two of the closest, and I'm happy with this. So I'd tell him, and explain that I don't want a party or gifts or a
    via u/SavingsRhubarb8746
  • cake. It might take some persuasion - partly because some people can't understand why a birthday wouldn't be celebrated just as others can't understand why it would be. Maybe he could acknowledge it the way your children do they know when - it is, do they do anything such as say "Happy Birthday" to you?
    via u/SavingsRhubarb8746
  • There's also the issue of reciprocity. You gave him things to acknowledge his birthday; in most cultures, certainly in mine, that can create the desire in him to do the same for you. When I was associating with people who did routinely acknowledge
    via u/SavingsRhubarb8746
  • birthdays, I compromised to the extent that I allowed mine to be marked with a cake and best wishes, and did the same since that was an important part of good relations in that setting.
    via u/SavingsRhubarb8746
  • Jerseygirl2468 · 3h ago YWBTA if you don't tell him, and then you have to just tell him that you don't want to do anything for it. When he finds out, he's going to feel really bad, especially since he did something for his.
    via u/Jerseygirl2468
  • Betalisa 3h ago . It wouldn't be surprising if your partner breaks up with you when he finds out. So yeah, he may not―he might be your understanding soulmate-but I wouldn't argue if he felt that YWBTA.
    via u/Betalisa
  • nefarious_planet • 2h ago Dear Heavenly Father, by the time I am 40, please let me have the maturity to be able to look another adult in the face and say "hey, I don't want to do anything for my birthday." Amen.
    via u/nefarious_planet
  • YTA. What's the plan? Dump him right before a year passes so you have plausible deniability if he ever suspects y'all were together during your birthday? Drop an anvil on his head when he asks and run like a Wile-E Coyote cartoon? He knows you have a birthday. Adults do not need to twist themselves into pretzels to avoid speaking to the people they are dating for 2 frickin' minutes.
    via u/nefarious_planet

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